CHANGES

well it has hit home so to speak. there is diabetes in my immediate family, my mom, and she got it in her thirties. i am in my thirties. she was very overweight, i am overweight. she is experiencing complications due to diabetes, extreme life changing consequences that i want to avoid. she is only 53. i am 35.

i hired a personal trainer, at first i wanted to keep it a secret, in case i fail. failure is not an option.
day one today............I WANT TO KILL THE TRAINER!
i fell flat on my face during the shuffling of the medicine ball, we had a laugh together. can only imagine what the fat looked like giggling down to the ground! as i refuse to look in the mirror while i "work out".
after the 45 min session, that seemed like 3 days, i felt "tired but good".............then we sat down to talk about nutrition. i am now afraid to eat!
worse than that i had the "one eye drunk stare" while he was talking due to dizziness setting in from my body screaming at me "what the hell was that for?"........... then i got clammy...he had to check my pulse. and just before leaving i had the "watering" of the jowls....yes the feeling of puking.............i held it down. falling and emergency pulse check was enough embarrassment for one day!
when i got home i somehow managed to get onto my bed, (a feat if you have ever seen my king size bed that stands up to my hips), and rest off the sicking feeling. it is almost 3 hours after my workout and i still feel the "woozy" effects!
my worst fear is i am back Wednesday morning. 7:30 am. i work right after. hope i can compose myself enough to not puke on my client!
GOD! i knew i was out of shape.............but this is disgusting!

will keep you posted. i refuse to know my weight..........the "number" is too much of a mind game for me. i will concentrate on how my body feels and percentage of body fat.
starting percentage of body fat.............almost too embarassed to say, but my life is preety much an open book, and does it chage the way i look to give it a number? NO!
33.3% body fat.
that made my wonder............can a person be 50% or more body fat? I'll have to ask.

first short term goal, besides living through the workout, is to be able to wear my wedding rings again. my didgets are too big to fit right now.

on another topic.........i am happy to say that i have the forth book to our vampire series "breaking dawn"..........and am still in love with Edward!